Sharing the highlights and mundane

"My Precious Loulie...":
Love letters of the Civil War--J.C. Morris

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"I am in hopes that I will get a whole package of letters from you in a few days. I never wanted to see you half as bad in all my life as I do now."

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Camp near Lanjer, Ark.

May 10th 1863.

My Dear Amanda,
It has been a long time since I had an opportunity of writing to you, and I gladly avail myself of the present opportunity. I am not certain that I will have a chance of sending this but I will write a few lines any how and try and get it off to let you know that I am among the living.

We have been on a raid into Ms. but I have not time to give you the particulars of our trip. I will write in a few days if I can get a chance to send it and write you a long one. I just came off of picket and found the boys all writing to send by a man that has been discharged who is going to start home this morning. I was quite sick three or four days while in Mo. but have entirely recovered. We captured a good many prisoners while in Mo. and killed a good many. We went up as high as Jackson 8 or 10 miles above Cape Girardeau. We fought them nearly all day at the Cape on Sunday two weeks ago today. The yanks boasted that we would never get back to Ark but they were badly mistaken, for we are back again and have sustained but very light loss, we never lost a man out of our company and only one or two out of the regt. I wish I had time to give you a full description of our trip. It would be very interesting to you I know; but you will have to put up with this little scrawl for the present. I am in hopes that I will get a whole package of letters from you in a few days. I never wanted to see you half as bad in all my life as I do now. I would give anything in the world to see you and the children. I have no idea when I will have that pleasure. We can't get any news here - do not know what is going on in the outside world. The boys will all write as soon as they get a chance to send them off.

We will remain in this vicinity, I expect for some time to recruit our horses. Our horses are sadly worsted. We found plenty to eat and to feed our horses on in Mo but hardly even had time to feed or eat as we traveled almost insesantly night and day. We could get any amount of bacon of the very best kind at 10 cts and every thing else in proportion.

I must close for fear I do not get to send my letter off. Write offten I will get them some time. I will write every chance, do not be uneasy when you do not get letters, for when we are scouting around as we have been it is impossible to write or to send them off if we did write. Give my love to the old Lady and all the friends. My love and a thousand kisses to my own sweet Amanda and our little boys. How my heart yearns for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye my own sweet wife, for the present. Direct to Little Rock as ---.

As ever your devoted and loving Husband, J.C. Morris.

Having to wait weeks, or a month, to hear from her loved one at war would have been horrible. The absence of information from him in between letters would have set her imagination into overdrive, thinking about all possible scenarios of mishap or doom. Some of the content of his letter included details of missions that would have been distressing for her to read or to process. I can only imagine the feeling of exhilaration or joy in seeing an envelope delivered to her mailbox; what a welcome sight, giving her a brief moment of relief and offering a chance to relax and give thanks for his safety. ...and then, set to wait for the next letter, weeks down the road. What a constant up and down cycle.

I can't imagine her world, mine is so different. It doesn't say where their home was, but her man was in Arkansas, Mississippi and Missouri, and it still took weeks or more to get a letter from him, and then more weeks for her response to be delivered to him. Kelly is halfway around the globe, and yet, my communication, even with the 10 hour time zone difference, is instantaneous.  A simple, free phone call or a quick internet connection through Skype, and we are connected. Talking, seeing each other, sharing the highlights or the mundaneness of our days, immediately connected. Our kids call or Skype him whenever they want to chat, or need his help or advise. On Mother's Day, Kelly was Skyping with Ian and me, while Isabel was on speaker phone from Manhattan; it was such a gift to have the whole family together on that day!

As recent as 2009, the military had blocked Facebook access and Skype capabilities for their deployed soldiers and civilians because of concerns over security breaches. After a three year study of over 8,000 families conducted by the DoD on social media's impact on deployment, the military is shifting their view on how families communicate, and what that means in terms of coping during the separation, and reintegration into the home after the assignment is finished.

Father's Day 2013

Saturday morning chat with Dad

Dinner Group

Sporting the new Sporting KC jersey!

Even though Kelly and I have the opportunity to talk everyday, J.C. Morris sure knows how to end a conversation:

How my heart yearns for thou that are so near and dear to me. Goodbye my own sweet wife, for the present. Direct to Little Rock as ---.

As ever your devoted and loving Husband, J.C. Morris.

Overland Park Farmer's Market

It was a beautiful morning at the Overland Park Farmer's Market today. Not too hot, not too crowded. There were lots of bright, colorful fruits and vegetables, as you would expect. But you can also find the less-traditional market items like soap, honey sticks, incredible homemade caramels (Look them up on Facebook: Oishii Studio Sweets) 

I became kinda mesmerized by the sunflower farmer - he was working half in and half out of the sunlight, mixing flowers, adding pinks and greens to the giant yellows. He kept turning to his customer to see if they liked his creation, and then would add more until he got it just right. 

I love this part of Kansas City. It really does have a small town feel to it, and many times we run into people we know. Lucky day! I felt a tap on my shoulder and had the opportunity to catch up with a former Children's Mercy NICU family! Her baby, now 14 months old, is doing amazing!

Gelateria on wheels.

In 1984, President Reagan designated July as National Ice Cream Month and the third Sunday of the month as National Ice Cream Day. He recognized ice cream as a fun and nutritious food that is enjoyed by a full 90 percent of the nation's population. 

As far as desserts go, I have to admit Ice cream is pretty far down on my list. Donuts, blueberry pie, s'mores, custard/flan/brulee and a hot, gooey chocolate lava cake all rank higher than ice cream for me. 

The one exception is coconut ice cream. When we were in Italy, the Italians take their gelato very seriously. Lucky for me, they had coconut gelato! Just in case finding a gelateria on every corner is NOT enough for you, this guy sells it straight off his bike in Lucca.  ...and yes, he had coconut. What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Polo or Black Pepper?

Kelly has been deployed to Afghanistan since January 6th. He is more than six months into a nine month leave. 

January 6, 2013

When he first left, I was thinking nine months didn't seem that long... I used to teach school, so I put in context of a school term; or a pregnancy.  (We're just starting our third trimester, by the way.) It's been an interesting time for both of us. We realized that during our 27 years of marriage, the longest we had ever been separated was 10 days in a row.

In February, I was in Florida for a conference and had a brief break in the sessions to run out to the beach and scribble a Valentine's Day note to Kelly:

Our time apart hasn't been anything that I imagined it would be, but I'm glad Kelly has had the opportunity to experience a deployment. Most days, it's been life as usual, but as expected, there are days when I really miss him. I miss holding his hand, having dinner with him, or better yet, having him cook for us. I miss waking up next to him. His absence has reminded the three of us of all the things he does for us that we take for granted.

On those days when I really, really miss Kelly, I reach up onto the top shelf in our bathroom and take down his cologne and give my neck a few squirts. And then I feel better. I can't explain it; it just makes me feeler closer to him. 

So, if you happen to catch a whiff of Polo or Black Pepper when you pass by me, you'll know I'm missing him...

Bridal Showers

This afternoon, Izzy and I attended a bridal shower, complete with a beautiful array of food, fruits & and desserts, silly games and the opening of presents! Everything on the buffet table was color coordinated and looked so festive! It reminded me of the incredible attention to detail in the Italian store fronts.

Chocolate shop, Florence Italy - 2013

Leather gloves, Florence Italy - 2013

...yet to be explored.

I was born in Kansas City in the mid 60s; those in the know will ask "Kansas or Missouri?" I'll just say "the Dotte" and leave it at that. Happiness in those days was easy to come by and consisted of games of Kick the Can and Midnight, Midnight with with my brother Ben and the neighborhood kids on late summer nights, snowball fights with the Debus brothers on snowy days, singing in the living room with my dad on guitar and my sister Kristin on flute after dinner, and spending too many hours laying on the grass, looking up at the blue midwestern sky at Wyandotte County Lake.

I lived in the same house until the day I left for college, meeting my future-husband Kelly at Kansas State University the first week of my freshman year; he, an architecture major in his seventh year. We married my Junior year of college. After graduating from the Conservatory of Music at the University of Missouri, Kansas City, I started teaching elementary music at a local public school and continued there for a decade. After taking an eight year break from teaching, I began a career supporting parents and families in the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), working in local hospitals and on the national non-profit level. 

Kelly and I have raised two kids, Ian and Isabel. They, like me, lived in the same house until they left for college. They have known me as a teacher, as a stay-at-home mom, as a hospital worker and as a full-time traveling professional. I don't know which "mom" they preferred, but I know I've enjoyed each step along the way, learning and growing from each stage, cognizant of the fact that I couldn't have taken one step without the prior step before, and thankful for the many incredible people who have crossed my various paths.

It's true what they say: in the blink of an eye, everything can change. Entire lives can be turned on their heads, even lost forever, in just a matter of moments. I'm not unique; I know plenty of people who have suffered significant loss of loved ones in their lives. Should I share my loses to you? Do I reveal with you my personal pain? It's a debate that I bat back and forth with myself. No doubt in my mind, these events have shaped me, formed the person I've become; can I explain who I am without including these difficult details?

We all have our stories. My challenge is to live in the present and look toward the future. The thing that fascinates me is how people react to their life-changing events. I've had the intimate and very sacred experience of supporting families during their NICU experiences for many years. I've been a witness to other people's loss and watched them struggle through the early stages of their grief more times than I can count. I've interviewed dozens of parents, years after their child's NICU stay, who have shared some of their most painful stories with me, and still cry as if it happened yesterday.

And yet, almost without fail, strength of spirit and human will and determination shine through their teary stories. I am always inspired, amazed and in awe of their ability to not only endure, but to live a life in honor of those they loved. How did they regain their traction, their sanity? When did they start smiling again without feeling guilty because they were experiencing joy? What pushed them to reinvent themselves based on the new skills that were forced upon them against their will, rather than remaining stuck in a track too deep from which to emerge? Why were they willing to share their stories with me, a stranger?

Having this perspective of so many intimate stories, of so many families like my own, this sense of a much larger community, keeps me going, keeps me grounded, propelling me to live life, honoring those I've loved and miss so much.

This blog is a selfish outlet for me, pure and simple. A way to express my thoughts, feelings, photographs and experiences. Please don't judge me too harshly, as I've never publicly shared these things before. I'm frankly, slightly terrified to begin this... but here it goes. Looks like we might be traveling down pathways yet to be explored.

Arles, France - 2011